Fear and Loathing in Facebook – My year away pt.2

I’ve been back on Facebook for a little over three weeks now. I’ve got to say so far it’s been a mixed bag of emotions. During my 16 month hiatus I didn’t feel like I was constantly being one upped by anyone with a pulse. Well that’s over. Let the self-deprecation resume! I’m still weighing my options on re-de-activation though, maybe this is just one of the worlds necessary evils.

Admittedly I was very overwhelmed at first. Upon signing in I glanced over faces and names I hadn’t seen or even thought about since I left. It felt like I was at a party full of strangers. The kind where you stand off to the side, awkwardly and afraid, looking around at all the unfamiliar faces and casually sipping your beer likes it’s something to do. “Hey, that guy does one hell of a statue impression; I bet he fucks like a mountain lion.”- thought no one, ever.

I have a hard time seeing just a person when I look at someone; no matter the context…I see all of the past experiences we have had, good or bad. I see alternate versions of what could have been – had things worked out how I hoped. It seems impossible for me to look at anything and just see it for what it is, always what it could be. This is no way to live your life because nothing ever seems good enough. #NeverSatisfied

As I delved deeper into the social abyss which is Facebook I came across pictures of ex-girlfriends or posts from past love intrigues. Because let’s be real, the best purpose Facebook serves is to stalk people you wish still wanted you in their lives. This caused me to start creating these rom-com-esque fantasies in my head of how things were supposed to end up…We would have had two kids, a dog named Sprinkles (Later our daughters adopted stripper name), Wednesdays are taco night, and I gently massage your feet every night until you fall asleep…in case you were wondering, that would never happen – I only eat tacos on Tuesdays.

I found out I have like 20 “friends” that I have never even met before? Oh yea, that’s right, when I arrived at WVU as a freshman I thought “friending” random chicks would give me a shot at coitus. I am going to conclude that I was wrong, very wrong, in that respect. Who came up with the word coitus anyway?

You know what I missed the most from Facebook? Birthdays. I have no fucking clue when your birthday is. I can’t even remember my mom’s birthday and I get my own age wrong all the time and I’m only 26, wait, no…I’m only 25, shit. Birthdays are important, it’s the one day a year you actually deserve some of the attention you crave. Facebook understands that you’re an attention whore and puts a daily reminder right in everyone’s grille upon logging in.

If I had any respect for myself I would de-activate this shit again. But as you may know I don’t. I could still do without the daily comings and goings of everyone. Oh you got dumped? Too bad, try Tinder. You moved away? Great, more room for me. Having a bad day today? Go grab a fucking beer and shut up already. Some things do warrant it, but generally we shouldn’t broadcast every aspect of our lives. It’s just unnecessary.

I think I’ll stay, for now at least, because it’s too much fun judging you. You with your inspirational quotes, your selfies, and your pins on pinterest.


One thought on “Fear and Loathing in Facebook – My year away pt.2

  1. I stopped using tinder a few weeks ago… too many douches for my liking lol. My coworker showed me cliqie.com and I’m a big fan of that over the others in terms of actually meeting people vs. just entertainment. It has a different approach that feels less sketchy cause you and your friends essentially act as “wingmen”. I like that it helps you find things to do too. Skout’s okay too, but still has it’s fair share of creepers

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