Fear and Loathing in Facebook – My year away pt.2

I’ve been back on Facebook for a little over three weeks now. I’ve got to say so far it’s been a mixed bag of emotions. During my 16 month hiatus I didn’t feel like I was constantly being one upped by anyone with a pulse. Well that’s over. Let the self-deprecation resume! I’m still weighing my options on re-de-activation though, maybe this is just one of the worlds necessary evils.

Admittedly I was very overwhelmed at first. Upon signing in I glanced over faces and names I hadn’t seen or even thought about since I left. It felt like I was at a party full of strangers. The kind where you stand off to the side, awkwardly and afraid, looking around at all the unfamiliar faces and casually sipping your beer likes it’s something to do. “Hey, that guy does one hell of a statue impression; I bet he fucks like a mountain lion.”- thought no one, ever.

I have a hard time seeing just a person when I look at someone; no matter the context…I see all of the past experiences we have had, good or bad. I see alternate versions of what could have been – had things worked out how I hoped. It seems impossible for me to look at anything and just see it for what it is, always what it could be. This is no way to live your life because nothing ever seems good enough. #NeverSatisfied

As I delved deeper into the social abyss which is Facebook I came across pictures of ex-girlfriends or posts from past love intrigues. Because let’s be real, the best purpose Facebook serves is to stalk people you wish still wanted you in their lives. This caused me to start creating these rom-com-esque fantasies in my head of how things were supposed to end up…We would have had two kids, a dog named Sprinkles (Later our daughters adopted stripper name), Wednesdays are taco night, and I gently massage your feet every night until you fall asleep…in case you were wondering, that would never happen – I only eat tacos on Tuesdays.

I found out I have like 20 “friends” that I have never even met before? Oh yea, that’s right, when I arrived at WVU as a freshman I thought “friending” random chicks would give me a shot at coitus. I am going to conclude that I was wrong, very wrong, in that respect. Who came up with the word coitus anyway?

You know what I missed the most from Facebook? Birthdays. I have no fucking clue when your birthday is. I can’t even remember my mom’s birthday and I get my own age wrong all the time and I’m only 26, wait, no…I’m only 25, shit. Birthdays are important, it’s the one day a year you actually deserve some of the attention you crave. Facebook understands that you’re an attention whore and puts a daily reminder right in everyone’s grille upon logging in.

If I had any respect for myself I would de-activate this shit again. But as you may know I don’t. I could still do without the daily comings and goings of everyone. Oh you got dumped? Too bad, try Tinder. You moved away? Great, more room for me. Having a bad day today? Go grab a fucking beer and shut up already. Some things do warrant it, but generally we shouldn’t broadcast every aspect of our lives. It’s just unnecessary.

I think I’ll stay, for now at least, because it’s too much fun judging you. You with your inspirational quotes, your selfies, and your pins on pinterest.


My year away from Facebook – pt. 1 of 2

I wrote this portion of my blog post before I decided to reactivate my Facebook account on August 6th 2013.

I deactivated my Facebook account on or about June 1st 2012. My reasoning was sound but not valiant. I had to escape that deep seething sting you feel when your ex posts all his/her shit about their new significant other and how happy they are. Tell me you don’t think they are going out of their way to let you know that they’ve achieved that all so elusive “happiness” that you could have never brought them. Fuck that. I don’t need a daily reminder that I suck. My middling bank account and empty bed keep me up to date on that little factoid just fine.

So I ran away, the only thing that made sense to me. I did have other motives as well. I don’t really feel the need to know about every little fucking thing that happens in everyone’s lives. OMG you ate lunch today! No one would have guessed! Thank you for letting me see what you will be shitting out later! There is such a thing as too much information and I felt that Facebook was letting us in on it. The days of Polaroid photos, jacking off to magazines, and phone calls on land-lines are over. Everything is digital these days and it chaps my ass. I wanted to try and fight the norm, maybe get back to some of the basics that we as human beings have overlooked because we are too busy over analyzing photos of someone’s weekend escapades.

That didn’t work. I immediately found another social media outlet for my obsession. Twitter – which in its defense is not as personal as Facebook. I can’t go onto twitter and see you’re whole life story and how great you think your life is. (Only celebrities and the immensely wealthy have “great” lives and they don’t really use Facebook) I still used that to stay connected to people I otherwise would not so it’s still kind of cheating. I also haven’t taken more photos or masturbated to a magazine so the whole notion of reconnecting to the basics may have been an epic fail.

I will counter that with the argument that my mental wellness did increase when I left Facebook. I didn’t feel quite as bad about myself as I did when barraged with constant reminders of my shortcomings. It also allowed me some time to focus inward, on improving myself in some ways. I began exercising more frequently and feel like physically I have never been in better shape. I started reading more, if you have ever finished an entire novel in a week; you know how enlightening it can be to lose yourself in another world.

I have not been without drawbacks regarding my release from the death grip Facebook had on my social life. Most of the friends I made in college only communicated through that medium so I have lost touch with that group of people. Someone also forgot to send me the memo that dictates that if something isn’t a Facebook event it won’t happen in real life or you’re not invited unless you are in it. Missed a few gatherings because of that one…I also haven’t had another girlfriend…I wonder if that has any correlation or if I’m just that jaded and narcissistic now.

I’m going to reactive my account and see how it feels to be apart of the largest social network in the world again. Fuck you Zuckerberg you sucked me back in.